Nicolas, Nick, Cole, Rollie Pollie Colie, Baby...

This boy has so many names. He is going to be so confused for awhile. Wesley is being great with "the baby"... for some reason he hasn't caught on to calling Nicolas his actual name or even Cole like we call him. When I was pregnant Cole went unnamed the whole time so Wesley still just calls him "the baby". On a rare occasion Wesley will call him something but it is usually a list of names/ words he has made up and none of them consist or resemble Nicolas or Cole. We are working with him to actually call the baby something... it is going ok, still he is "the baby" 99% of the time.

Cole is a great baby so far. He only cries when something is truly wrong... usually a dirty diaper. I have never changed so many diapers! He goes from fine and content to out right loud cries in nothing flat. I usually just laugh. I think he knows that he is in competition to get attention around here so he makes himself heard right away. I don't even think he cried at all yesterday though, so nice... such a difference from colicky constipated Wesley. I don't think they could be more different. Wesley was small and super early, Cole was late and large but like Wesley, Cole already seems easy going and very go with the flow which I LOVE! Oh and they are both ADORABLE, they have that in common as well.

We went on our first big outing this last weekend. I took him and Wesley to the mall. He did pretty good. At the first store though I was second guessing my decision to take him. He was screaming while I walked clear to the other side of Macy's to change his diaper. 2 ladies asked how old he was and when I said 10 days they said "You are brave"... I thought to myself "you mean stupid." He clearly was not a fan of shopping and didn't mind letting everyone in the store know. Everyone was looking at me while I passed by them... We were disturbing a lot of people apparently.

It has been great having him home. He is 2 weeks old. Wesley wasn't even home until he was 15 days old... I realize now what was lost by spending that time away. It could have been longer and I am thankful it was ONLY 15 days. We are finally settling into a routine. I sometimes wish we could just sit and breathe for a bit. We have an ear, nose and throat doctors appointment coming up first part of August and hopefully then we will get some questions answered... maybe even then things will calm down for a bit. It is best to assess the situation right away so we can create a plan of action, we have had to hit the ground running. After the E.N.T. appointment we should be able to get Cole fitted for a hearing aid. You might wonder how a hearing aid is going to work in an ear that is completely closed? Well it actually will be on a headband type thing to hold it in place and it will be placed behind his ear. The hearing aid will allow sound to travel through the bone to the inner ear to be heard by the brain. Pretty interesting really.

Cole is such a blessing. I love babies so much... especially mine :)! I forgot how fun and how much joy a new baby can bring. I love watching Wesley and Cole together. Right now Cole usually just cries when Wesley is in his face or holding him. There have been a few really cute, sweet moments of brotherly love and I am sure there are more to come. Wesley is in love with Cole too, he is so happy his baby is finally here. He often will tell me "Mommy our baby is so cute!"... it melts my heart.

The size of Cole on Wesley here just cracks me up.

Update on Cole

Well Cole is good. He has gained weight since he has been home and shrunk an inch :). They measured wrong at the hospital. It is fun to watch peoples reaction to him in public. Some women have noticed he is a new baby but then they are surprised to hear that is only days old... big boy :). I also never thought that the first week he was home I'd already have to clean out his closet. He out grew some newborn things the first few days of life. For example today he is wearing 3-6mo... not always the case but some 0-3 mo thing are too small for my Rollie Pollie Colie.

We had his first specialist appointment today. It went well, better than I was expecting after gloomy yesterday. His right ear is normal, no hearing loss. The left ear is completely closed and has moderate to severe loss, which is expected considering the ear is completely closed. He responded to certain pitches and sounds. Moderate to Severe loss sounds bad but there is another category that is worse... I don't remember what it was though. Then they tested the hearing nerve and the hearing bone. Both are there and working, so what that means he will be able to hear with the use of a hearing aid. The hearing aid will direct sound to travel through certain bones to his inner ear bypassing the outer ear since it is closed. All of this is positive news that we hoping to hear. It would have been great if there wasn't so much hearing loss in that left ear but what else can you expect with tissue covering the canal. Surgery is inevitable... we also don't know how many surgeries or when. Surgery will open the canal and cosmetically fix the outer ear. However today they already wanted to set up a consult to fit him for a hearing aid. Hopefully it is covered by our insurance so we can get that in the next few months. We still have other concerns and unanswered questions and those will be directed to other specialist but this is a good start. A better start than I was expecting after my feel-sorry-for-myself-pity-party I was throwing myself yesterday... sorry about that, but I think days and moments like that are too be expected.

Thank you for your prayers, support and concern. Now we pray that the hearing aid will be covered by our insurance and that there is no genetic disorder associated with this birth defect. Going through this once is enough as far as I am concerned.

I was OK until...

... Today. I was doing a pretty darn good job staying positive about Cole's ear and the road ahead. We have an audiologist appointment on Friday and I was wishfully thinking that they would say: "He can hear out of that ear, all we have to do is open it up." Now I don't feel so positive. Today I didn't obey that little inner voice saying "Don't do it... don't you dare do it!!" I decided to do a google search on underdeveloped newborn ears. STUPID... STUPID... STUPID! I saw children's ears that look just like Cole's and read about all the problems associated with this birth defect. Read about genetic disorders and what % of a chance we have of this happening again. I read about the surgical procedures needed to correct their hearing and ear. Most children can't hear out of those ears... on and on.

I have so many concerns. After reading everything I think Cole's ear might be worse than I was originally thinking. I know the doctors don't want to overly scare you but from what I was reading there is a slim chance this is nothing and an easy fix. We are only a few days into this journey and haven't had any specialist appointments yet so there are SO many unanswered questions. Best case scenario he can hear and we just have to fix it cosmetically... well that required a surgery where they extract some bone from his ribs and build him an ear! Not a simple procedure if you ask me. Of course this is all internet induced fear. It also did not help that today we got a large packet of information about implanting hearing aids in toddlers heads, living with a child with disabilities, government programs, explaining surgical procedures, syndromes associated with birth defects and support groups. None of that information was encouraging it just cemented the fact that this is not going to heal itself. This isn't something that every family has to go thru... this is different and going to be hard.

Why can't I just have a healthy baby, take him home from the hospital and live happily ever after? 3rd times the charm?? don't worry we aren't ready for #3 yet.

Right now writing is therapy for me, thank you for reading and supporting us through this all.

Our PERFECT little Nicolas

What a journey to bring another little person into the world. After it is all said and done, I like the story that comes from the pregnancy and birth. In the middle of it all though you feel ready to be done and back to normal. This pregnancy was different and harder in many ways. I stayed positive and hopeful that I'd get to deliver this baby the way I had planned. Last delivery was not the way I had wanted so this one was going to be different... so I thought. I planned on delivering the baby by VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). The last few weeks leading up to my due date the doctors didn't give me much hope that was going to happen. I tried to keep them out of my head though and stay positive. My body didn't appear to be doing anything to prepare for labor. The baby was growing, growing, growing and he was happy staying where he was at. Apparently he liked it there since he was a week overdue. Overdue that is another thing... are babies really every OVERDUE? God has it all timed perfectly. Anyway those last few weeks were miserable. At 40 weeks pregnant I measured 43 weeks pregnant. The doctor thought this baby was going to be huge and not fit in newborn clothes at all... the hospital nurse thought that I just had a lot of fluid and the baby was normal size. Either way my belly was larger than normal. Well with all the prayers my due date, came and went. We were quickly approaching my c-section date. I came to a peace about the whole thing. I gave it a shot and came to the realize I may never know why this baby didn't come naturally and I didn't deliver naturally but I didn't and I need to trust it was better this way. So came June 28th.

We got to the hospital early that morning. So weird to know in a few hours we'd have a baby and in a few days we'd be home with the family to stay. Much different experience this time not having an emergency c-section. Some ways better, some ways worse. I was getting super nervous in the operating room. I was more aware of what was going on than last time. Just a few minutes into surgery our baby boy appeared. All 9lbs of him! The doctor was right. I even told her during surgery that I felt better, she said "Well your baby was huge". I seriously felt more comfortable already before I could even feel my body. It was awesome to see him for the first time. He had chunky legs and arms. His cry was his own, he didn't sound like Wesley. His hair was kind of reddish color all over his head. His face was chubby and big. So different that the scrawny Wesley we had 3 years earlier. I just kept saying "He is huge!!" and I'd giggle. The doctor and the nurse both ended up right. Nicolas was 9lbs, 11.2oz, not your average "newborn" and I had double the ambionic fluid of a normal pregnant person. I wasn't crazy I was carrying around a lot baby!! I got to hold him from the operating room to the recovery room. I've never held such a new baby before. Wesley was taken away before my surgery was finished last time. As I recovered the family came to visit and I just held onto our little guy (still not named at this point).

I have never seen Wesley so happy as he was to enter the recovery room to see his brother. He was so proud and excited. It is a face I will never forget. He asked if he could touch the baby and kiss the baby. He was great with him. My parents came and saw him. My Dad came back in the recovery room with Wesley and Wesley asked if he could sign the baby a song. He began singing the baby "Jesus Loves Me"... it was super sweet of him.

The baby got to stay in my room with me, again much different than last time. I got to spend some wonderful time holding and cuddling my little guy. We went back to our starting place with the name. Originally we wanted our next son to be named Nicolas, then we threw out other names. Nicolas didn't seem to fit at the time but once we met him, it fit, it was his name. I think it was suppose to be his name all a long. During my pregnancy I had a dream about naming this baby. I was debating between Nicolas and Cole and actually in my dream I was praying about it. In my dream I realized the name Cole is in Nicolas! Not your typical nick name but it worked. I liked it! So I call him Cole or Rollie Pollie Colie. Some call him Nicolas, some call him Nick... he will have a lot of names, we might confuse the kid. So Nicolas Fischer Bowers it is!


He is perfect in so many ways. A verse come to mind when I look at him. Ps. 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well. " See Nicolas was born with an abnormality... well an abnormality by our standards. His left ear was underdeveloped. It looks as if you folded your ear over and it fused that way. It appears complete closed. The right ear looks normal and he responds to sound so we are not afraid he can't hear out of that ear. The left ear though we don't know about. There are a few things. Maybe the whole left ear didn't develop at all, leaving nothing on the inside which means he will never hear out of it. Maybe the whole inner ear is developed and we just have to cosmetically fix the outer ear so he can hear. Maybe he can even hear now... so many questions to answer. Either way it is a long road ahead. We have talked to only a few doctors in the hospital who have helped us set up appointments. As far as we know now this kind of thing happens 3 out of 10,000 births. Abnormalities like this don't run in our family and doesn't seem to be a side effect or result of anything... just unexplained and unexpected. We do not have an answer to any of these questions yet and with him being so new we might not have any answers for months and months... maybe even a year. We might have to meet with a geneticist to see what our risks our for having more kids. At this point they don't find that unnecessary. We have to go to a hearing specialist and a pediatric ears, nose and throat doctor just to name a couple. Most likely an MRI is needed to view his left ear, in a case with a baby they put the baby to sleep for the test, not something you are eager to do to a newborn. So we will wait. Ps. 29:11 "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace". I have my moments of sadness for him but my sadness and worry do nothing to help this situation. God did not make a mistake in creating him so that gives me peace. So we wait for strength and answers. Right now we just love on our perfect little miracle.

Nicolas means Victorious People. Maybe his name is more fitting than we had thought :)!